Let it be

Reflections

Here we are again. Two weeks ago I resigned. I took my boss to a meeting room for a “quick 2-minute chat” and without actually thinking about it or preparing for it, I said “I’m leaving“. Two painful weeks followed, they decided to keep me, they decided that I was worth another try and promised me the moon and the stars. And more money.

And …I? I decided to accept. I decided to turn my back to that half-opened door. I decided it wasn’t time for Freedom. Just yet. Just for a little bit longer. I decided I would stay.

Sometimes in life there are things that are completely out of your control. I like to think that we are the creators of our own lives and that we give clear directions to our paths, but now? Now, I feel I have no control.

I’ve been looking at my last six years with a different eye lately, I started looking at things from a new perspective and I realised that things weren’t exactly as I thought. I’ve always put my career first, I thought that achieving record salaries (for my age and experience) and smashing targets was what was going to make me happy. I thought that being promoted three then four years in a row would have turned me into a satisfied person, I naively believed that being “the youngest consultant ever” would have made me special.

I then realised that the truth was really different. The truth is that I wasted (the best) six years of my life. Basically I threw away my twenties pursuing (and  achieving) inconceivable goals.  You might be thinking that I should be happy, right? But happiness, you know, doesn’t come from money. They threw some more money and promises to make millions of pounds if I stay for another decade or so, but I know I won’t.

I’ve now realised that I’m going to make myself happy, that I already feel I’ve achieved what I wanted to achieve in my (first) career, and it’s now time to move on. I’m now studying my plan B. And C. And considering options to escape this life.

Now I know. I know that isn’t a title that gives me the authority to be the person I want to be, nor it’s a pay rise. I’m already the person I want to be.

And I am happy.

“A few times in my life I’ve had moments of absolute clarity when, for a few brief seconds, the silence drowns out the noise and I can feel rather than think and things seem so sharp and the world seems so fresh, it’s as though it had all just come into existence. I can never make these moments last. I cling to them, but like everything, they fade. I have lived my life on these moments. They pull me back to the present, and I realize that everything is exactly the way it was meant to be.” 

From ‘A Single Man’

 

  • Sunday

    No, you didn’t waste six years of your life. You’ll see, you got new skills that will be useful in the future. You say you are confused, but actually your posts reveal what you really want deep inside. Your subconscious is trying to talk to you clearly, you should just take courage and listen to it. It’s not easy, but you don’t want to waste other 6 years of your life, do you? I think you shouldn’t wait to be happy, when what you need is the courage to stop living a life and doing a job that doesn’t fit you and start living life at your terms.

    • Thank you Sunday!
      I know I learnt many important lessons during the last 6 years, I know I’ve gained other skills that will be useful in the future. When I say “wasted” what I mean is that maybe I should have used those years “better”….Doing what I REALLY wanted to do, rather than what was right for the future and for stability.
      I made my decision, I’m surely moving on and I’m happy just planning and dreaming about places I’m going to see. The only missing part of the jigsaw right now, is HOW. How am I going to support myself while travelling? Is there any chance/way I can learn a independent-location online job that will allow me to survive? Thank you for passing by.. I’ll keep you posted 🙂