This is a personal, heavy and bittersweet post. I recommend you to stop here if you are not into failed relationships, cheating bastards and heartbreaking stories. I don’t often share my personal and most intimate stories here, but today I want to tell you one. Maybe because I still have some dust and detritus on my chest that I want to get rid of, or more likely because I want to tell you that it does get better. If you, like me, have been unlucky enough to fall in love with a selfish, dishonest, horrible person who broke your heart and torn your confidence apart, let me tell you, there is hope. There is always hope. I started writing this post almost two months ago when I was dancing with the devil who kidnapped my personality and self-confidence. I’m publishing this here now, from Chiang Mai, where my heart is healing, my mind is light and that person belongs to a past that I don’t ever want back. There is also loads of swearing and bad words below so readers should be older than…um… 15? Not sure, but if you mind offenses and bad words, then stop here 🙂 thank you and see you next week with my about Samoa!
It’s precisely because of the pain, that we can get the feeling, through this process, of really being alive—or at least a partial sense of it. ― Haruki Murakami
As you probably know, I got my heart broken (aka smashed, torn, ripped out and pierced) on November 4th (yes, today exactly marks the 3rd anniversary, since that horrendous day when my insensitive ex decided to leave me over the phone at 15 thousands km of distance), while I was travelling around New Zealand as a guest of Pure New Zealand. The frick, after four and half years together, didn’t even had the balls to jump on a plane and tell me this in the face. No, the usual spineless human being let the message being carried on a freaking weird and long Whatsapp conversation that went on like this, while where I sobbed and begged, begged and sobbed:
I-still-love-you-SO-much.I think about you every day.When I have sex I think of you.I imagine touching your skin and I can still recall exactly the smell of your skin.This new person is nothing compared to you. But.
But I wanna see what happen with this new fucking buddy because you are far and hard work for me.
And I am lazy. Fucking lazy.
Redundant to say, that I spent my final weeks in New Zealand crying like a baby, barely eating and knocking myself to sleep with cheap bottles of horrible red wine and tons of sleeping pills passed on by a friend. I had awful thoughts. I had scary intentions. And I fell. Down, down, down that endless hole. Maybe you don’t know I also chopped my hair on a particularly drunken and freaking scary night in Franz Josef when I couldn’t stand my reflection in the mirror any longer.
Yes, my ex left me for someone else, which is the most humiliating and painful thing that can happen in
life a relationship.
*Pro tip here: Ladies & Gentlemen, NEVER-EVER tell the person you are leaving behind that you fell in love with someone else.
Tell them you are confused, tell them you need time for yourself, tell them you might be gay, tell them you want to become a monk, tell a huge, fat, freaking lie. But. Do. Not. Ever. Say. There. Is. Someone. Else.
As a last option, grab your balls and tell them you don’t love them anymore perhaps. Tell them your heart doesn’t beat the same way anymore. And yes, this is LESS painful and more bearable than been cheated on and being left behind like a bag of garbage or a used tissue.
Please. I beg you. Listen to me.
Do it for me and do it for the person you once loved/cared about.
So. I was saying that in New Zealand I was mentally and physically shattered and, at that point, dating other people was out of the question. The one and only goal was to stay afloat. AKA stay alive and nothing else. New Zealand is incredibly beautiful, but my eyes were constantly blurred with tears and the lush landscapes were filled with sad thoughts and intentions. New Zealand probably hosts the saddest memories of my life and it’s such a pity because it’s such a wonderful country. I make a promise here to you, to go back when I will be in love again, happy again to create new and remarkable memories. With someone better, someone stronger, someone worthy.
I had considered stopping my around-the-world-trip and book a very expensive flight to go home and beg my ex to love me.
One more time.
Just one more time.
But thankfully I have incredible friends and family and everyone said the prick should have run after me after all this time. And especially after ALL the chances I had already given the fucker to come back to me and the endless times I forgave already in the four and half years together.
The cheater was the one turning the back to me, not me. The lier should have run to the airport and book a very expensive flight to get me before I flew off.
But I did. I flew away.
Fiji – Expect the Unexpected
I’m not Beyonce or Angelina Jolie, but I did happen to have a few guys chasing me. For the entire time since we had been apart, in fact, I did have a few guys flying around me but I always waved them away as you would do with bees.
But let’s be honest for once, I have no idea if the time on the road relaxed my London stressed and wrinkled forehead or if the tan made me more attractive because I never had so many guys running after me before. But I had a few in Fiji. More than a few actually, plenty in fact (I know my ex reads this blog so let the sucker suck a little.)
And yes, the pics below are a metaphor of the amount of human fish swimming around me in Fiji.
I have no idea why, but it was only in Fiji that, still inebriated by the incredible amount of alcohol and drugs my body had endured in the previous weeks, that I let go of all my principles, constraints and hopes.
I finally let go and life just started flowing back through my veins.
And in that moment, finally and for a while, I enjoyed being single. I have no idea how many flirts and salty kisses I had on those stunning, palm-fringed beaches, I don’t even know how many new flags I’ve added to my global collection (thanks Jon for the idea!)
What I can tell you is that Fiji is no longer a honeymoon destination, but a singles’ paradise.
Try to believe. If you are single, book your flight now and test it for yourself.
Fiji – Singles’ Paradise
Let me put this straight from start. Fiji is no longer a honeymoon destination, but quite the opposite, it’s Singles’ Paradise. Yeah, you read that right. And no, I did not know that before. And yes, I had so much fun indeed.
There, among the crystal blue waters and white, palm-fringed beaches is where I started healing my broken heart. Or maybe not, it’s just where I said F**K YOU and pressed the Pause button to my pain.
“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.” ― Haruki Murakami
I didn’t know there was one, but it does exist and it’s like the fire exit when there is a building on fire.
I knew there was something strange right from the beginning. I knew that my time in Fiji was going to be extraordinary as I met my first friends right at the airport and ended up sleeping in a stranger’s room in the wrong hostel that first night. The next morning, I bumped into some New Zealand’s buddies on the ferry to my first destination and that’s it, as soon as I landed in Waya, my life was -positively- upside down.
I don’t know how or why it happened, but suddenly I had more guys (and girls) swarming around me than in my entire lifetime. I have no clue of how that could be possible, again I am not Jessica Alba, I can only think it was a sign of the universe (or god if you believe), telling me that the world is full of hot, interesting, smart people and the one I had lost was just a tiny person unable to love. It was the universe talking to me and telling me:
Hey Sabs, look around. First, you are not alone; second: pick and choose who you like.
And so I did.
I picked and choose.
I picked and choose.
And had fun.
Loads of fun in fact.
I was a whole. Again.
No longer half of a broken One.
I was me.
And people loved me for who I was. They did no try to change me.
From day 1 to day 22 on the gorgeous Fiji islands, I had fun, fun, fun with the sexy travelers that like Robinson Crusoe were landing on my
sunbed shore. And I don’t know why, but a female, married friend who’ve met on these stunning islands told me:
Sabri right now, you are like a magnet, it’s impossible to stay away from you.
At first, it didn’t make any sense to me at all. I didn’t think my self-chopped hairstyle was attractive, nor my mosquitos-bitten legs or my far from the perfect body. It was something else.
Not only in my sexy dates but, finally liberated by the weight of a failed relationship and moved away from the burden of a person who was flat, boring, old and dishonest, I blossomed in my social life too. I suddenly remembered who I was before changing and adapting to the bastard: my energy was back, my love for life too, my interest to meet new people and get to know them was finally part of me again. And I made many friends without feeling guilty or worrying about what the cheater would think.It was the energy of my internal fuck-you-process and the consequent sense of freedom that perspired from my persona.
I can only think of this, because man, I was as shocked as you are now.
And maybe this sounds like bragging, and maybe it is for once, but I had never had such a success ratio in my life. LOL! But this is life, ladies (and men) the moment you really are NOT ready to open your
legs arms, men (and women) from all over the place start just falling right at your feet. And it’s like this, that night after night I was feeling better and stronger and wanted and desired than ever. No longer rejected. One empty person rejected me, the world still wanted me. I could stay. Just a bit longer.
Is there better cure than slutting around when your heart and ego are broken and the person you love dumps you FOR SOMEONE ELSE?
Perhaps. I don’t know. But for me, for those three weeks, it was a god/universe-sent break from the lying-on-the-floor, face-buried-in-the-pillow crying healing process that I had been on for weeks in NZ.
And of course, it wasn’t just the sex, the salty kisses or the summer romances. It was putting things into perspective.
It was stopping to admire the incredible beauty that was surrounding me, it was appreciating the lucky star that allowed me to be there (instead of being home begging a selfish-cheating-human-being to love me!!!).
It was just falling in love. With life again. In all its simplicity. And with some of the most extraordinary people I’ve met in my life. Friends, flirts and my old self, most of all. If one person in this world did not want me, it didn’t mean the world was rejecting me. It was just this, one, specific, extremely selfish and horrible human who rejected me and hurt me like no one else before in my life.
People are sent to our lives to teach us things we need to learn about ourselves. – Mandy Hale.
My Fiji realization hit me there and then. I knew I was ready for all of the things I had feared up to that moment. I sobbed once more and I realised that I want to be happy. I acknowledged I deserved to be happy. I wanted all the things everyone wants. A stable, committed, strong, faithful person next to me. Nothing more, nothing else. And I was so shocked and also deeply relieved that I’d finally gotten there.
Life and Love were all around me.
Fiji – The little things that matter
And it was embracing the little things that soothed my broken soul, day after day.
Running on the beach when the first lights of the day were peaking through the mountains.
Breathing in and out with consciousness at my yoga classes looking into the endless ocean at dawn.
The hysterical laughs with Theo, Jon, Charlie, Lou and Stuart.
The amazement in front of the miracle of every single day starting in those gorgeous islands.
Hiking up a mountain at sunrise under a torrential rain when I kept going anyway because it’s only when you reach the top that you can see the other side.
The hours spent meditating while chasing colorful fish in one of the best reefs I’ve seen in my life.
The newly acquired (even if unwanted) freedom that being out of a relationship can bring to the mind.
The infinite shades of blue and orange and red and yellow when the sun was sinking into the horizon.
The sand between the toes, the hair and everywhere else.
Getting lost in dark underwater caves with a bunch of strangers.
Katie and Steve who told me that compromises are what make love last, and Sonia and Mike who revealed that “not sweating on the small things” was the secret sauce to their +40 years marriage.
Sam and Rosie, young, beautiful and in love.
It was admiring the beautiful and perfect bodies of the local rugby player on a hot Sunday afternoon surrounded by only locals.
And the kids on top of tree supporting their favourite handball team.
It was the incredible connection with a Dutch guy over the span of 12 hrs.
It was Mina, from China, her beautiful tattoo and the selfie stick she gave me as a gift.
It was the hugs with Kim and Laura.
It was kayaking with Irene and Joe.
It was learning to fish with a bunch of lovely girls and a cooler full of champagne and beer.
It was the flirts, the kisses, and the meaningless sex.
It was the drinking games and one wild night washed away by far too much gin & tonic.
It was the lightness of no promises, no expectations and there was a taste of freedom and possibility.
Of what I could have. If I could only hold on to myself and no one else for a little bit longer.
The local dances, songs and vibe. Their incredible culture and attitude to life.
And, just like that, by the end of the third week, I was just free. Suddenly, emotionally and happily free.
And there I was on the last day, hoping to stay just a little bit longer. To allow me to add a few more memories to the load to take away with me.
Excited about the future and what it could hold for me. Excited about the countless options and possibilities. Excited about the people I had met and their stories. No longer thinking that that fraud was my One. It definitely wasn’t.
And Fiji taught me that I deserve someone who’s excited about me, who chooses me over everybody else. Every day. Someone who doesn’t need breaks from me, someone who isn’t scared of love, someone who doesn’t only take, but gives back too. Someone without commitment issues. Someone who isn’t damaged from the past and knows how to fight. Someone who believes in us.Not forever. But forever, for now.
Vinaka Vaca Levu Fiji
There is where my new life began. These are the memories I will best remember from my months on the road. Where I blossomed again like a very late spring flower. Where, like a prisoner, I was finally freed after being caged for almost 5 years.
These are stories that take the highlight of this incredible journey.This is where I found my true self again. The person I want to be. The version of myself that belongs to me and suits me so well.
No more compromises, no more faking to be someone else.
We travel, initially, to lose ourselves;
and we travel next, to find ourselves.
Reading suggestion for your single holiday in Fiji:
Tiny Beautiful Things, Cheryl Strayed
The Power of Now, Eckart Tolle
All underwater pictures taken with my new baby Olympus
Note: there are affiliated links above. As usual, I only recommend products I have personally tried and loved. if you buy through the links above, a few pennies from your purchase come my way so that I can keep maintaining this blog <3