Disconnected

Last night I started reading I come alone a book by Michelle J Coote, an Australian who after a touching travel experience in the Middle East, decided to move to Thailand and then India. I’m still at the beginning of her journey, but I’m already sure I’ll be intrigued by her adventures, also because the two countries are part of the around-the-world trip I’m about to start. I’ve been following Antonia’s blog for a few weeks now and I’m curious to see how their lives have taken them to or away from Brisbane (Antonia has chosen the Australian town as her temporary home, Michelle decides to leave her “beautiful, tidy, clean and organised” Brisbane to travel and then settle in Southern Asia).

However, while I add myself to those who are craving for the Asian and the Australian dream, I’ve disconnected the plug. I’m on auto-pilot now. I’ve always been part of that category of weird people who jumped out of bed in the morning in excitement thinking about what was on the plate for the day. I was the type of person who was getting a bit depressed on a Friday afternoon, thinking about the boring weekend ahead and how do to fill all that spare time. I’ve often been the one who got some extra work to get done at home between parties and dinners out. But I never left any my time available, too scared to be spending time with myself, horrified to listen to my thoughts or talk to myself. Busy, always busy was the routine, no a free minute for myself. Get stuff done.

I’m now part of that army of individuals (at the opposite side of the spectrum), who wakes up on Monday morning thinking that Friday will never arrive soon enough. I spend my days and hours counting down minutes to The End. I am bored and disconnected. I used to be in the office at 8am and now I drag myself through the door after 9am, under the suspicious stare of my boss.
But I don’t care anymore. Love is over and I can’t get it back. I don’t see the utility of my job and I feel like all my efforts have been wasted. I also feel betrayed and I can’t fix that.

Now I spend my days listening to the screaming voice in my head that is shouting to GET OUT OF HERE and considering options for my future.
The problem is that, despite I’ve read tons of blogs and books about downshifting, moving-on, leaving the corporate world, location-free jobs, online millionaires and entrepreneurs, I haven’t found my way. All of the them are incredibly inspirational, don’t get me wrong, but the reality is that I don’t know how to change my life. I have no idea what I could / should do next and this ambiguity, as well as the various options, are making me more and more confused.

What shall I do? Shall I do that master in HR capitalising on my 6-year recruitment experience to pursue a career in HR or shall I just forget about it and move on to a brand new chapter in my life i.e. online marketing, obviously assuming a massive risk by learning something completely new to me?

Would you take the easy option or the less-travelled path?
Let me know your thoughts and if you have practical suggestions on how to learn and find a location-independent, sustainable job, I will be forever grateful.Image

Let it be

Reflections

Here we are again. Two weeks ago I resigned. I took my boss to a meeting room for a “quick 2-minute chat” and without actually thinking about it or preparing for it, I said “I’m leaving“. Two painful weeks followed, they decided to keep me, they decided that I was worth another try and promised me the moon and the stars. And more money.

And …I? I decided to accept. I decided to turn my back to that half-opened door. I decided it wasn’t time for Freedom. Just yet. Just for a little bit longer. I decided I would stay.

Sometimes in life there are things that are completely out of your control. I like to think that we are the creators of our own lives and that we give clear directions to our paths, but now? Now, I feel I have no control.

I’ve been looking at my last six years with a different eye lately, I started looking at things from a new perspective and I realised that things weren’t exactly as I thought. I’ve always put my career first, I thought that achieving record salaries (for my age and experience) and smashing targets was what was going to make me happy. I thought that being promoted three then four years in a row would have turned me into a satisfied person, I naively believed that being “the youngest consultant ever” would have made me special.

I then realised that the truth was really different. The truth is that I wasted (the best) six years of my life. Basically I threw away my twenties pursuing (and  achieving) inconceivable goals.  You might be thinking that I should be happy, right? But happiness, you know, doesn’t come from money. They threw some more money and promises to make millions of pounds if I stay for another decade or so, but I know I won’t.

I’ve now realised that I’m going to make myself happy, that I already feel I’ve achieved what I wanted to achieve in my (first) career, and it’s now time to move on. I’m now studying my plan B. And C. And considering options to escape this life.

Now I know. I know that isn’t a title that gives me the authority to be the person I want to be, nor it’s a pay rise. I’m already the person I want to be.

And I am happy.

“A few times in my life I’ve had moments of absolute clarity when, for a few brief seconds, the silence drowns out the noise and I can feel rather than think and things seem so sharp and the world seems so fresh, it’s as though it had all just come into existence. I can never make these moments last. I cling to them, but like everything, they fade. I have lived my life on these moments. They pull me back to the present, and I realize that everything is exactly the way it was meant to be.” 

From ‘A Single Man’